Say What? Sew what?

{December 13, 2010}   Laughs and definitions…

What defines a woman in her mid thirties?  Is it her job? Her marriage? Her kids?  What she has accomplished?

I, at 35, have no clue as to what defines me…I have no idea who “Jenn” is.  Who is she?  For the past decade I have been married twice.  For the past 9 and half years I have been with one man and have had my children.  But does that define me?  What have I, Jenn, accomplished?  I have been faithful, almost to the point of stupidity.  I offered myself, unconditionally to a man who did not care.  I have stood by him, no matter what, and have picked myself up and dusted myself off too many times.  I have held my head up proudly when I’ve wanted to hang it shame and humiliation.  I have smiled while I have cried and screamed inside.  I have spoken kind words instead of screaming the profanities I was thinking.  I let myself appear calm and collected like nothing bothered me, all the while I was dying inside, lonely and scared.  I have cried myself to sleep countless nights wondering how I was supposed to make it through another day and how I was supposed to pick my kids up when no one was there to support me and hold me up while I fell.  Who was supposed to hold me and tell me it was okay and it would get better?

But my question goes back to who am I?  For I have no idea.  I am 35, I am a mother of five children, but other than that I’m not sure.  I used to be vivacious, full of life, and spontaneous (although being spontaneous is rather hard with 5 kids).  I used to stand up for myself and what I believed in, even if I was wrong.  I rarely ever backed down.

I gave up somewhere along the way.  When I don’t know, but I gave up and “Jenn” got lost and broken.  Though when I think about it, I don’t want the whole old Jenn back—she was selfish and oblivious to what mattered.  I just want certain aspects back—the backbone, the ability to say no and the ability to have fun.  I want my spunkiness back.  I want to be able to laugh again and truly feel it and not feel funny.  I laughed today when I found Liam’s tickle spot and I got him to laugh for the first time—it was the first time I laughed, truly laughed, in I have no idea.  Usually, I smile and just kind of chuckle under my breath, but the look of shock, then joy and his laugh, made me hahahaha laugh.

I need to map out what my personal goals are for myself.  I need to rediscover myself.  I need to find out what makes me happy.  What is going to make me hahaha laugh?  How can I make the ones I love hahaha laugh?  I am good enough.  I deserve happiness.  I deserve to be loved, respected and treated like the queen I am.  But I need to make myself happy.  Then I can make my kids happy and then someone else might make me happy.

But who am I?



You are a WINNER of my blog Giveaway: Elaine’s Crafty Corner. You have won the Studio efabric PINK & GREY Layercake. Please email me and let me know your snail mail address so I can ship out your Layercake fabric pack! Thanks for entering!

You have won my Giveaway on ELaine’s Crafty Corner!

Please email me your snail mail by Monday to claim your Urban Angel Layercake fabric pack.
You don’t have an email listed and this was the only way I could find to reach you. Congrats! HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON !

jennb75 says:

YAY!!!!! I just sent you an email with my address!

I’m so excited! =)

Thank you so much!!

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